Saturday, January 9, 2010

FML ... Mozart Wins.

I have a weird perspective on growing older. For me, the tragedy is not that I'm continuously getting closer to death, the real sorrow lies in the fact that every year that passes by is another year in which I can no longer one-up some asshole genius' accomplishments.

Take Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, for instance. By the age of five, he was already a composer. That's right, young asshat Mozart (shown at left looking like a five-year-old douche) was concocting symphonies at five years old. When I was five years old, I still wet the bed.

(No, I'm not kidding. Yes, I wish I were. My parents actually had to buy me an electric blanket to get me to stop wetting the bed. Not your normal electric blanket, but literally a blanket filled with electricity that'd fuckin' zap the shit out of me if it got wet. The thought of being electrocuted in my sleep tightened my bladder up right quick.)

So, to recap:

Five-Year-Old Mozart = Symphonies
Five-Year-Old SPG = Diapers

So how is Mozart a role model? Role models are people you're supposed to aspire to be like. Great, I'll look up to Mozart and aspire to be a composer by the age of five.

Oh, wait, I'm 26. Fuck my life -- Mozart wins.

Who cares if I compose a symphony at 26? Other people have done it by age five. Now I have no desire to do it. Meh. Thanks for being a role model Mozart -- you prick.

One area in which I can best Mozart, and in which he may serve as a role model for me, is not dying by the age of 35. Captain Fancypants got sick and died like a bitch in his mid-30s. When I'm 36, instead of a birthday party, I'm going to wear a powdered wig all day and celebrate "How's It Feel to be a Genius Now, Cockbag?" Day.

In a further attempt to make me feel like an unaccomplished, useless human being, Fox had a show called Our Little Genius that they planned to release in mid-January. The show featured six- to 12-year-olds answering Ph.D level questions versus people who actually have doctorates. From the sounds of it, though, a little bit of a scandal broke out regarding the show involving the little tykes having privileged "information" (the studio claims "information" does not mean answers) before the shows. So, they scrapped it for now and are deciding whether to re-shoot it or can it entirely.

(On a side-note, does that sounds like the movie Quiz Show to anyone else?)

If that show ever comes out (and the little fuckers actually are that smart and aren't memorizing answers), I'm going to stop trying to accomplish anything ever again -- what's the point?

When I was in high school -- and this is no joke -- I told myself that I needed to publish a novel before I turned 18. Why? Well, if I didn't, I'd just be some adult who published a book. Whoop-dee-fuckin-doo. At least if I got a published book under my belt before I was 18, I could say that I had done so when I was a kid. As soon as 18 came and went, I'd lost all drive to hurry and write a book. What was the rush now?

In conclusion, geniuses are anti-role models. They give us reasons not to feel good about ourselves.

-- SPG

Ragaboo T-Shirts