Tuesday, November 24, 2009
How I Prepare to Go to Sleep -- The I'm-Awesome Method
I was talking with a friend the other day about our rituals for falling asleep. Her ritual is, apparently, to close her eyes and go to sleep. Booooring. When I told her what I usually think about to try to fall asleep, she kept laughing at me and looking at me like I was crazy. I sincerely doubt that other people don’t do exactly what I do, so I figured I’d ask you guys to see.
When I lay down to go to sleep, I need to clear my head or else I’ll just keep thinking about what I have to do over the next few days. To get all of the idle thoughts out of my head, I usually run through a little daydream that I’ve been honing over the years. My daydream starts with -- what else? -- me winning a major poker tournament. After I win that, I play in the next major event, and I win that, too. And it’s not luck; I suddenly acquire some ridiculous sixth sense about the game and I always make the correct play. I keep winning and winning, taking down like 10 major events (including five World Series of Poker bracelets) in just one year. It gets to the point that I have to retire from poker after just that year because people stop playing in events if they know I’m going to be there -- why play for second?
So, I’ve now got a bunch of money, and I figure I may as well pursue interests that are more artistic and less likely to be profitable. I can just give any money I make to charities. So, I decide to write a book. I write the book in like two weeks; it just flies out of my head. It instantly tops the best-seller lists and immediately starts being taught in schools as the example of how to write. People are calling it the most important book of all time. (Sorry Bible.)
I spend the next few weeks after writing that book recording some music. Not one to be OK with making an album full of songs that all sound alike, I decide to challenge myself by making each song in the album part of a distinct genre (rock, electronica, rap, country, jazz, etc.). I put out the album, and I decide to release every song on the album as a radio single simultaneously in their respective genres. Why not, right? Every song hits the top of the Billboard charts and my album goes sextuple platinum (or diamond, or multi-diamond, or whatever stupid system they're using nowadays).
So, at this point I realize that if I just spend a few weeks on something, I’ll be the absolute best at it. I decide my talents are being wasted by only working on artistic or selfish pursuits, so I decide to start researching a cure for cancer. BAM, cured. AIDS? What’s that? You don’t remember because I cured that, too.
Here’s a Nobel Prize, Mr. Green. Thanks for saving billions of lives. No problem Earth.
(In my dream, I’ll pretend like the Nobel prize didn’t get de-valued by being awarded to Obama before he’d done anything.)
I tell all of the pharmaceutical companies that they aren’t allowed to sell my cures for more than cost plus 1%, because these cures are too important to worry about profits.
So, I cure a few more diseases before getting bored and deciding to try my hand at sports. Tennis starts getting boring when no one can return any of my serves. Who wants to watch that? I win a few titles and then decide to retire from that to avoid hurting the sport. Ditto Basketball. I simply take the ball from whoever has it and shoot it from wherever I’m standing and it always goes in. That’s boring. I retire from that after a season, as well. I randomly decide to try my hand at winning Olympic gold medals. I win 10 in a wide variety of sports (not just one sport, like swimming; suck it Phelps).
Now sports are just dumb, too, so I decide to shoot for global political changes. I throw my hat into the ring for the U.S. presidency, and everyone else drops out. Seriously, though, who’s going to run against the guy who fucking cured cancer and AIDS? So, I become president, and I don’t care about the politics or the fame or anything like that; I simply fix shit. I don’t even want the power, I just want to fix everything that’s broken. After my first year, the U.S. is like a freakin’ utopia. No one worries about anything, and our happiness index is through the roof. HolycrapI'mawesome.
The rest of the world takes notice and, by unanimous consent, they ask me to be supreme leader of Earth. I tell them that I’m not interested in that kind of power or anything official like that, but I’d be happy to give strong recommendations on how the world should work that they can follow. They, of course, accept.
Anyway, I could go on, but you get the idea. So, I go to sleep every night thinking about how awesome it would be to be some kind of superhuman variety of amazing.
You can’t tell me that you don’t have the exact same kind of sleep prep …
P.S. This is actually not a joke. I really do think about all of that almost every night before I go to sleep.