I recently came across a humor column that I wrote for my college newspaper, the University of Arizona's Daily Wildcat. I wrote several humor columns during my senior year, but this one was one of my favorites for several reasons: 1) They commissioned artwork for it (shown at right), 2) I got to use some fairly vulgar language, 3) I actually got hate mail for it from someone who doesn't understand sarcasm, and 4) my mom sent copies of it to family members, which I think was probably a tad embarrassing for her, considering the content.
No. 3 was especially funny, because his e-mail to the editor (which, incidentally, never was printed in the newspaper) was forwarded to me, and its point was basically, "Geeze, this guy is a misogynistic prick! I can't believe he definitely feels this way in reality, since this clearly marked humor column obviously reveals his true mentality. If you women reading this not-at-all-oblivious letter to the editor want a real man who won't disrespect you like this author, and definitely understands sarcasm, please feel free to contact me at ImSmrt@GodsGiftToWomen.com."
Anyway, without further ado, here's my five-year-old column in its original form.
Men and the Orgasmic Lie
To say that men aren't aware of and sensitive to the complexities of the female orgasm is a gross oversimplification. We completely understand your frustration with your elusive orgasmic friend. The truth of the matter is that we just don't really care about stuff, and your orgasm counts as stuff.
There are other stereotypes about men's conceptions of women's orgasms that need to be dispelled, once and for all.
First off, I need to point out that I can definitely tell when a girl is faking an orgasm and when she's not. I could tell that my old girlfriend, for instance, was most certainly not faking anything when she would moan throughout the night over at my next-door neighbor's house. They sounded like they had an awful lot of fun over there. They still do, now and then.
If you girls fake your orgasms, us men will simply pat ourselves on the back and figure, "Hey, mission accomplished." Even if we know it's a fake, we'll still be relatively content with a job well done. Imagine the similar scenario, when you guys ask if you look fat in certain outfits. Of course you look fat, but we don't tell you that. We lie, you know it, and everyone's still happy.
And to say that the female orgasm is "elusive" is greatly exaggerating the situation. My friend, the male gynecologist, told me that "women have orgasms all of the time during sex; they just don't want to let us know about them so they can make us feel bad about ourselves. It's one huge mind-fuck."
The same gynecologist told me that women often needed cuddling and talking before sex to get excited enough to reach orgasm. I asked him whether leaving a woman alone in a room for a few hours with a Furby would do the trick. He said it was worth a shot.
While it may be true that I made up both the gynecologist and his quotes, I don't think his nonexistence detracts from the meaningfulness of his observations of women any more than Santa Claus' nonexistence means I shouldn't get Christmas presents.
Some people claim that men can cum without an emotional connection. I strongly object to this notion. I cry when I masturbate. If that's not an emotional connection, I don't know what is. Admittedly, this may be due more to my onion-peeling fetish than any intense feelings I have about stuff.
Women are also under the impression that men think women who masturbate are dirty. Of course we do! So please keep doing it, ladies.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with women masturbating, and there isn't a man alive who thinks there is. We all support the role of masturbation in a woman's life, but strongly suggest they document the experience with a video camera. It is also recommended that they add a soundtrack with a good bass-line.
Women definitely should not be ashamed to talk about this most noble of pastimes with men.
So, there you have it, ladies. Men are more understanding and sensitive about your predicament than you thought! We understand that it's not always our fault when you don't reach orgasm. More often than not, it's because of your genetically defective erogenous zones. And, hey, who are we to make fun of how God himself screwed you ladies over?