Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Sorry For Being Creepy ... But It's Your Fault For Stretching

All right, so it’s no secret that men are creepy in the gym. To be fair, it’s hard for us. Take all of those stretches you girls do, for instance. You come to the gym in incredibly short shorts and a sports bra (only) and proceed to contort yourself into as many sexual positions as possible in an area of the gym surrounded by mirrors. And I’m pretty sure half of those stretches you girls do don’t actually stretch anything relevant and only serve to convert otherwise innocent men into creepy-as-fuck voyeurs.

Technically speaking, every machine in the gym is sexually infused if a gorgeous girl is using it (except for maybe when a girl is bench pressing more weight than I could -- which sadly encompasses pretty much any woman on a bench-press machine). And then there are devices like the Shake Weight, which is simply unfair to men:



What’s more, there’s a row of weight machines that I’m convinced were conceived by some perverted guy in his basement. An example of a machine in this row can be seen at Exhibit A, at right. With that machine, you basically face everyone in the gym while you slowly open and close your sweaty thighs. Uh huh. Not sexual at all, right? Have you ever seen a man on one of those machines? Wait, I should clarify: Have you ever seen a man on one of those machines who didn’t look lost and confused? No, of course not, because it’s called the Vagina Machine.

The sexuality of women who use that machine grows exponentially with each observed rep. If a merely OK girl sat down and did 10 reps as some guy watched, his opinion would slowly transform from “Meh,” to “Ya know, I think I'd like to have sex with that girl.” If a stunningly attractive girl sat down and did 40 reps, an observing guy is liable to sell his mother into slavery to buy the girl a lifetime membership to that gym.

But I did say that a girl’s sexuality grows exponentially, and this holds true even for horribly ugly women with repulsive (negative) sexuality. What happens when you multiply negatives, though? It’s still fucking negative -- just incredibly more so. If you accidentally catch a glimpse of the sweaty hams of Orca Woman as she tortures this beloved machine (seen at left), it is entirely possible that your whole family could die in the safety of your home miles away simply due to the sheer force of the negative energy being emitted from your brain as it tries to collapse upon itself to prevent your eyes from functioning any longer. In the very least, you’ll be all kinds of sad that you saw it.

One last point is that you girls usually have a special ladies-only gym within the gym if you don’t want to be ogled. Not that you should have to “resort” to that, but if you want to spend all day in skimpy clothing while wrapping your legs around your neck or arching your back to push your breasts out or doing 10,000 reps on each machine in Sex Row -- and you want to do all of that without attracting the attention of men -- use your special room. Whenever I pass by the women-only room, I usually see between zero and two women in there, and they’re almost always horribly ugly.

Ugly women do not need this room; they’re wasting it.

- SPG

5 comments:

aub said...

hhahahaha.

Well done, yet slightly creepy because I was just using the hip abducter/ "vagina machine" this morning. Most women I know who frequent gyms don't complain about the occasional gawker, and those that do are usually just seeking a venue to talk about getting attention. -aub

SPG said...

That thing abducts your hips? Like ... steals them? That actually sounds freakier than "Vagina Machine," in my opinion.

And THANK YOU for bringing attention to the fact that women who talk about it are just bragging. "God, so many creeps were staring at me today at the gym. Ugh, I was so disgusted I just kept doing high-kicks and bra-less jumping jacks to keep my mind off of it all..."

michelle said...

I will forever feel good about myself at a gym now, thanks.

Brian said...

wait...what? women like attention?

shut up!

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