Thursday, March 25, 2010

Why We'd Be Better Off Without Women, in Iambic Pentameter

I'm not one to beat around the bush, so I'll answer the titular assertion immediately: I was being disingenuous as a means to con people into clicking through to read this blog entry. Women are actually pretty fucking great. But don't worry misogynists, if you keep reading I may throw you a bone toward the end.

But I'll at least give you your promised iambic pentameter (sticking to the women-are-great theme):

If I were told to pick my favorite thing /
About the fairer sex lasjfl;nvkla nel;kfj awl;efj fljs  FUCK IAMBIC PENTAMETER

And you know what? Screw poetry, too. When I try to write poetry, my skin crawls. Why did I think iambic pentameter would be a good idea?

But wait. Hold on. Let's back up for a second. I say women are "pretty fucking great," but that isn't, of course, the entire truth. The best example I can give you of why women aren't great is my current girlfriend. (Don't worry, she won't read this.) (UPDATE: She read this. Crap. Change of plans ... ) She truly is pretty fucking great, but she's the primary reason I haven't posted an entry in a while.

Put simply, time spent with her means time spent not blogging.

Put complicatedly, time spent with a girlfriend when you have one girlfriend is greater than time spent with a girlfriend when you have zero girlfriends, and as all segments of time are percentages of a whole, when one segment increases, another decreases. (Note: You do not need to read the preceding paragraph. It is superfluous. Sorry for putting this note at the end.)

So, for the seven Facebook fans that I lost, blame her. It's true that quite possibly her only flaw is that time with her is not time blogging. If she could somehow fix that one thing about herself, that'd be great. Kthanks.

[Simple, logical transition goes here.]

And that brings us to online dating sites.

Online Dating

I spent just about a year scouring online dating sites in an attempt to find a girl. I've never liked the idea of meeting a girl in a club or bar -- that just seems sleazy -- and I'm no longer attending college or working a retail or service job with a high turnover rate, so there wasn't really any good way to meet new women. Plus, I'll be honest, the geeky side of me salivates at the thought of filtering thousands of women by points of data. (See, misogynists? I just said I like thinking of women as data. That's gotta get your rocks off, huh? Bone thrown.)

Here are some quick reviews of some of the most prominent dating sites out there:

This one is expensive as fuck, but it's actually a lot of fun. There's just a shit-ton of people on there, even within the relatively narrow confines of my searches. There are a lot of details you can look at for each person, and a lot of pictures/personality to review. I gave myself an extra inch of height on the site, because those superficial bitches always put 5'10" as their cutoff.

And I've come to realize that "Spiritual but not religious" means one of two things: 1) I'm too big of a pussy to call myself an atheist or 2) I believe in energy crystals and auras and The Secret and hugging moonbeams and Santa Claus. Those two standpoints are pretty fucking dissimilar, which makes these girls wildcards.

Fuck eHarmony. Seriously.

For starters, I hate them on principle. For the longest time, they had you start your profile by asking if you were a "man seeking woman" or a "woman seeking man." Just those two options -- sorry gays. It's hearsay, but I'd heard that eHarmomy is owned by Mormons, and that the omission wasn't an oversight ... they really didn't want to allow gays.

So, to recap, their two-pronged War on Homosexuality consists of 1) Preventing gays from finding love on dating sites and, in case that fails, 2) Banning gay marriage. It's a solid plan ... prevent the gays from procreating, thus nipping the gay flower at the bud. (Remember ... Mormons aren't good at biology. See evolution.)

Another problem with eHarmony is their bullshit moneymaking scheme. You sign up, fill out your profile, and do their dumb marathon of a personality test, and then at the very end, they tell you they've found you a few matches ... but you can't see them yet.

"No, no, no, it's not that we want you to have to pay to see them," says eHarmony, "it's that love is built on personality compatibility. Of course, if you want to see these three girls who match your personality perfectly and may very well be supermodels (or Goodyear blimps), you can pay us ... but we aren't forcing you."

Fuck you, eHarmony. Of course looks are important. You just want me to have to pay before seeing that my three perfect matches all look like roadkill. A good relationship is based on both physical attraction and compatibility. You're saying it's not ... which means you're dumb and wrong -- you lose.

This one'll be short:
  1. It's free.
  2. It looks like a blind, non-English-speaking, dyslexic, misanthropic, three-year-old quadruple amputee made the site.
  3. It's free.
  4. If you're clever, you can use a free account to find women, and then hopefully find them again on PlentyOfFish to contact them for free. (But hurry, if you stare at too long, your eyes will begin to drip blood uncontrollably. Possible solution: Place a saucer on your desk below your chin to collect the blood droplets.)

This site used to be about telling people they were ugly or hot on a scale of 1-10. (I'm a 9.9, bitches! No, seriously, that wasn't a joke. It actually kinda hurts that you're laughing right now...) The owners realized as an afterthought that if you think someone is hot, you might want to date them. Eureka. So, they slapped on a little "meet me" feature that allows people to "double match" with each other if both people say they want to meet. If they both do, and they both have paid accounts, they can contact each other. This is kinda like the opposite of eHarmony. It's a site that says, "Personality? Can you fuck a personality?"

I actually could go on about dating sites, but this entry is getting a bit long in the tooth.

Until next time ...


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